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Revoking the Recap

Apr. 17th, 2011 | 08:13 pm
mood: odd
music: Triplag internet radio

After some consideration, I have to say I don't really see the point in expounding every fucked up thing that happened over the last few years. It seemed like it might be good catharsis, but then you'd think by this point in the line I'd have learned that catharsis sometimes turns into a lifestyle.

I'll skip the tales of woe: the only really relevant thing now is that there was a lot of arguing, that I tried to head it off, but that after almost ten years we're still together and I'm trying very hard to let that go. It was bad, but now it's over, now I've got to figure out what to do next.

As of right now, I'm unemployed, halfway through a degree, and at a total loss as to how to recover from five years of near-total isolation. I'm avoiding insanity by child-raising, housework, yard work, arts-n-crafts (broken porcelain statues are my big thing atm), 3D modelling and fluctating obsessions.

The important thing is that I can finally write again. I can't live without it, it's as if my thought process doesn't really complete unless I write something down.

I had some really fucked-up dreams over the last few years, some of which might be interesting as examples of encroaching psychosis. I promise I'm better now, these little earthquakes come and go.

That was something else, I spent a week in the happy house before all was said and done with (Jeremiah was with his aunts). Bipolar II, PTSD and depressive disorder, they said.

Happily, I already know that the PTSD and depressive disorder are most likely the result of the bad end of the bipolar.

See, the thing about coping with these cyclic mood disorders is building up enough slack in the 'up' phase to carry things in the 'down'.
D is bipolar, something I had suspected from long ago, but he's gone so far as to keep a second home to retreat to, and enough social capital from his busy phase to earn him his silence in the bad times. I envy that sometimes, it's my lack of such a safe house that caused things to get so bad, at least in part. I couldn't get away, and it got to where I gave a damn about nothing except for Jeremiah: I was making the best decisions I could, not always the best objectively, but I tried to keep my head on straight. I did well enough that I'm back, mostly...if still confused.

Here come the pistons...Collapse )

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Intermission (or relevant note)

Apr. 15th, 2011 | 08:49 pm

I won't wander off in senile distraction this time, I promise. I'm sorting out my head.

Elegy to the Shipwreck...Collapse )

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The Recap, or How I Finally Lost It

Apr. 15th, 2011 | 04:33 pm
mood: uncomfortable

Losing one's groove is a real pain in the ass.

What was once done naturally, without hesitation or self-doubt, becomes an undertaking that bristles with unexpected obstacles and pitfalls, that seems to curve downward in a logistical mirage toward inevitable failure. Yesterday, this was the bread of life: today it's fugu.

I missed this journal a lot, though. I mentioned yesterday that I've changed, and I know it, but couldn't determine what was so different about me: I think in part it was an overactive mouth, pursuant to an underactive pen (or keyboard, etc.). When I don't do my talking here, to Thou, the many-faced, I either go around with most of my thoughts unframed, or I start talking too much, with all those attendant IQ penalties.

I'm going to try to catch up, to talk a little bit about what's gone down since I last hung up in '08. The easiest way will probably be a bullet list, which I'll expand on later: I feel like I'm a very different person from who I was at the beginning of this journal, and that most of the changes took place in the last five years, and that many of them were bad and need revocation. You can help me, and you're probably one of the last avenues that can.

Maybe it isn't that bad: anyone who knows me, knows that I can be a little dramatic about things. I hope it's not that bad. But it was a really rough time: if you as a reader were one of those confused and/or pushed away by my reclusiveness or my strange attitude, I am sorry and I hope this might argue my case. It was a meat grinder, boyos.

All these things that I've done...Collapse )

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Apr. 15th, 2011 | 04:06 am

I'm pretty sure that I've changed, though I'm still not sure in what way I've changed; I don't know if it's for the better, so much is in a tangle at the moment, and so many people have been alienated from me or lost to me.

I follow my star, for he has never shifted, his light has never been eclipsed. I left the path so long ago, it's been knee-high grass and God knows where I am. I live with the nagging fear that my star is just a brain tumor or indigestion, because I've followed him so far afield now. The light is so bright, but so harsh, here.

I wanted to know what there was between the cracks of life, and once I leaned in, entirely lost my handhold, not unlike clumsy Alice. Oh, the stories I could tell you, the things I saw out there where sanity is a goal instead of a virtue...soon, though, not yet. Too much to unwind, right now.

Oh, my sister....Collapse )

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The Well

Apr. 15th, 2011 | 03:44 am
mood: adventurous

I am not writing anything substantiative, but I'm writing again, not prolific but at least something is coming out.

In the interest of staying caught up (and in the uncomfortable realization that this journal's almost ten years old, practically an anthology of minutiae), I thought I would post some of the stuff that I've written in the interim. I can't answer for how understandable it is -- it was a long few years, and I had a terrific nervous breakdown during that time -- but it might say more than my still-tangled narrative will. I have a lot to figure out, and you have to start somewhere. I have a lot to figure out, me droogs.

This stuff is in no chronological order, it appears as I find it, and believe it, right now, all is disorder. You and me, baby, I don't know any more than you do.

Only questions...Collapse )

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The things that you own...

Apr. 14th, 2011 | 02:44 am
mood: anticipatory

About eight or nine years ago, I laid down $600 to a guy at work for my first laptop. I probably mentioned it here somewhere...it was an IBM Thinkpad, an old Army-issue machine that ran at a blistering 1.2 Ghz and had 128MB of memory. I was enchanted with it, named it Skeksi (after the warped, avaricious bird-skeletons in The Dark Crystal) and loved it like a teddy bear. I could only write on Skeksi, nothing else felt right.

By the time Skeksi finally stopped powering on, about a year ago, she had cigarette burns between her G and H, her trackpoint had developed continental drift, there were ancient smears of chocolate on the keyboard and seven years of cigarette smoke in the circuits. (I almost think she quit because I stopped smoking indoors, died of a NIC fit I spose.) She took almost a decade of heavy use, frequent OS changes, several BIOS flashes, and never a problem.

I got a new one about two weeks ago, another Thinkpad: this one is slightly more modern, it's about 1/3 smaller, a little faster. Skeksi II, Son of Skeksi: IBM's enigmatic laptop line with the power to animate my deadbeat butthead of a muse.

(Seriously, he was gone what, five years? I couldn't write a grocery list without losing the willpower two words in, it was terrible.)

Here's Skeksi's desktop: I'm rather proud of it, it's running on SharpEnviro: the variety of stuff it lets you do with icons is kind of cool.

Since I'm thinking of it I have to show you this program I'm going crazy over: it's called TapinRadio, it's the simplest thing you've ever seen: just a single two-paned window. It's an Internet radio player, and that's all it does: it plays internet radio stations. It's open source and free. The tagline is 'There is the potential for having fun', which sums the program up pretty well: it doesn't have any frills, but it does what it does pretty well.

I've been using that and listening to dubstep stations I found here, Good stuff man: triplag is a particularly good station, I think. Good background music to work by.

I'll write again soon, sorry for the mostly pointless post, but felt like saying something.

Thank you, anonymous guy, your exhortation was strangely effective. I've written more in the last couple of days than I have for a pretty long time.

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Blink, and years go by--

Jan. 11th, 2011 | 09:21 am
location: in the dark
mood: awakeawake

Well, I'll be damned. I did remember the password to this journal after all.

It seems like the sensible thing to do is to keep it, rather than deal with my many abortive attempts at a 'blog'. I've been dealing with an absolute monster of writer's block, it's been nearly five years now, and I've been meaning to start some kind of journal to shake the ice loose. It will be a good exercise.

I missed you LJ people, I still remember all of you and you haven't aged a day in my mind. It's good to be back again, I missed this thing.

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Jun. 22nd, 2008 | 10:24 pm

Well, you know what they say...when you find something cool, INVOLVE THE INTERNET.

This is Seeqpod, a very nice online playlist of music and music videos: I've been loving on this for about a week now. Anything you want to hear, they probably have at least a little of it.
Hope everyone is well. ;) I'll give a better update soon, tonight maybe.


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Snowmen and Wedding Rings

May. 24th, 2008 | 05:19 pm

Sometimes I have the feeling that as I've grown older, I've forgotten more than I've learned. I hate this feeling, and because I hate it it tempts me to claim otherwise to myself: that in fact I'm somehow 'wiser' now, and that my youth was my time of stupidity.

I'm not so sure, really.
I can feel my brain turning...stiff. Don't get me wrong, it makes life much easier: I 'know' what to expect, I 'know' what the future holds, I 'know' how to deal with life on its own terms. All these things I 'know'.
Am I right, then, or was Socrates?

There is a pressure toward becoming static that increases all the time. It makes me slow and stubborn, reluctant to acknowledge the pig ears of intellectual laziness I craft into silk purses of logic.
(Is this a midlife crisis? I'm just thirty for shit's sake, although I guess that's midlife. It's older than I was ever supposed to get, I know that much.)

I never feel as though I'm moving 'toward', but always and inexorably 'away from'. Even in the moment, in the warm embrace of the now, I'm too busy fighting off the cold clasp of the was. I build everything from the dead molecules of yesterday, and then wonder aloud why it won't move.



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May. 23rd, 2008 | 12:42 am

I've never found it easy to believe objective ideas of God. I really don't believe that an objective God exists, as in an entity that is existing somewhere eternally, with an identity.
What in all the nature of reality exists forever? What manner of life would animate such a God? From whence would it come, and what need would God have of the form of a man? What need has God for teeth?

It doesn't make sense. At the bottom it forces removal from the physical world because it has no parallel in it: as we see nothing of Earth that we believe true of God, getting it ass backwards all the while, we therefore declare earth and God to be opposed eternally, the material and the spiritual, the carnal and the divine, the YHWH and the Shaitan. We create a war of a uniformity, as seems to be our way with everything.

I think the God I believe in is utterly without identity, and rather is pure potential, or else the action that makes material of the potential, or possibly both. It is benevolent by both intent and accident: cruel by necessity and circumstance. It just is...it is the zero point, the tip of the needle that stitches the world, and as it is absolute abstract it can and does take any and every form. It can be seen not through demonstration but only through pattern.

more later:

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