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Psalm to Our Lady of the Broken Mirror

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Apr. 19th, 2011 | 10:27 pm

...Maybe I'm wrong: maybe I oughtn't to be so angry with Mike. He couldn't have understood what I meant when I told him that I couldn't live with him: today I'm right furious that he didn't at least try to hash it out with me or talk about it (he rarely if ever does that), that he made the horrible decision to stay in spite of my wishes, but my anger is not doing anything for me at the moment. No help there.

What really blows about this is the fact that when things fell apart, I isolated myself: I lost touch with my family, with almost all of my friends, almost everyone and everything, so there really isn't anyone right now to help me (not that I need help, necessarily, having got myself into this) or to talk to.

I told my mother that I was uncomfortable and needed to get away - she has been in abusive relationships, so I thought she would understand - but she has taken Mike's side in the matter, right or wrong, so no help there.

I don't want to hurt anyone, I never did, that's why I asked him to go to begin with, and almost everything I've done since - giving up the car, withdrawing, cutting, going into the hospital - was because I didn't want to hurt anyone. I can't tell which of us has the underlying problem, him or me: at least one of us has serious problems though, because normal people don't stay in relationships where strangulation has become an issue. To be honest with you guys, if I had a car and any money left at all, if Jeremiah were older or if Mike had ever hurt him in any way, if I didn't think he loved me and Jeremiah, I'd be gone by now. Life is so short and I'm already starting to give up on making anything of this one. I don't know why I feel this way.

I know this bitching is tedious, I don't want to write unappealing things any more than you guys want to read them, but this is the only way I have to really work this out. I'm in the kind of condition that people are afraid of getting into, lifewise: the kind of condition too shameful to grapple enough to change.

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from: siouxcourtesan
date: Apr. 21st, 2011 02:23 am (UTC)

Aw, there are no rookies...you were the first (and so far only!) to reply, which counts for a lot. :)

Thanks inkarx, I'll try to be as good to you in future: I am writing my way out of it and making surprising progress, so things are looking up now.

Thank you.

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